Showing posts with label irl. Show all posts
Showing posts with label irl. Show all posts

February 26, 2011

О журнале

UPDATE 2016: Мне в некоторой степени неловко за текст этой записи, который я писал лет 7 назад. Не удаляю его просто в архивных целях. И да, сам начал сидеть в твиттере). Дальше можете не читать, ничего умного там не будет.

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Это не совсем блог сисадмина в том варианте, который встречается в рунете наиболее часто. Здесь нет типичного дебильного юмора, напыщенно гордых статей об очередной красноглазой ночи, проведенной за компьютером (ебать, достижение!), рекламы своих услуг и гигантского воробья, выглядывающего из-за угла, со ссылкой на очередной унылый твиттер.

Так уж сложилось, что мне приходится иметь дело со сферой IT (благо, не с людьми её наполняющими), и я, не желая держать эти все наработки в голове, публикую здесь то, что должен был бы помнить.

Этот журнал работает на платформе Blogger поскольку во-первых она превосходно и без лишних нервов индексируется Гуглом, и во-вторых я просто не хочу делать отдельный блог. Ведь ради чего?

Я ценю обратную связь, и учитываю все ваши комментарии при написании новых сообщений и изменении существующих.

January 2, 2011

Collected Inflight Announcements

Source: http://www.airliners.net/aviation-forums/general_aviation/read.main/424464/


Thank Delta Air Lines.

===========================

Be certain you have stowed all carry on items under a seat, or in an overhead bin. Heavier items should be placed under a seat. Use caution if you open the overhead bin, and please close them securely, as items may shift in flight.

If you are seated in an exit seat, you must be able to see the exit, hear instructions, open the exit, and verbally direct others to the exit. You must be able to do this without blocking the exit, causing harm to yourself, or being distracted by other attentions. Children under 15 may not sit in an exit seat. If you are seated in an exit seat, and do not meet these requirements, or do not wish to sit there, please notify a flight attendant at this time.

Cellular phones may only be used while the aircraft is at the gate and the boarding door is open. All cellular phones must be turned off and stowed when the boarding door is closed. Certain electronic devices may not be used onboard at any time. Approved electronic devices, listed in the in-flight section of "Southern Way" magazine, may be used when advised by crewmembers.

Please discontinue the use of all electronic devices at this time, and be certain to properly stow all tray tables, footrests, and in-seat video units where applicable. Smoking is not allowed on any Delta aircraft, and Federal law prohibits tampering with, disabling, or destroying a lavatory smoke detector. Lighted signs are visible throughout the cabin, and Federal regulations require you to comply with all signs and crewmember instructions.

To fasten your seatbelt, place the metal tip into the buckle, and tighten the straps so that it fits low and tight across your hips. To release, lift the top of the buckle. During the flight, the fasten seatbelt sign may be turned off, however, for your safety, we require that you keep your seatbelt fastened at all times while seated.

If cabin pressure should change, panels above your seat will open revealing oxygen masks; reach up and pull a mask towards you. Place it over your nose and mouth, and secure with the elastic band, that can be adjusted to ensure a snug fit. The plastic bag will not fully inflate, although oxygen is flowing. Secure your own mask first before helping others.

Exits on the Boeing 777 are eight doors; four on each side of the aircraft. Each door is equipped with a detachable slide that can be used as a raft. If there is a loss of electrical power, emergency track lighting near the floor will illuminate. White lights lead to red lights and exit signs, which indicate the exit. Please take a moment to locate your nearest two exits, keeping in mind that the closest exits may be behind you.

Life vests are located beneath, or between your seats. Remove the vest from the pouch by pulling on the tab. Place the vest over your head, and fasten the straps to the front of the vest. Adjust the straps loosely around your waist. As you leave the aircraft, inflate the vest by pulling down on the red tabs, or manually inflate by blowing into the tubes on either side. A light can be activated in the water by pulling down on the tab in front. Do not inflate your life vest inside the aircraft.

We recommend reviewing all of the safety information, which can be found in the passenger safety information card, located in your seat pocket. To prepare for takeoff, please store your tray table, bring your seat upright, and discontinue the use of all electronic devices. At this time, flight attendants will be picking up any remaining beverage items.

We appreciate your attention. On behalf of all Delta employees worldwide, thank you for flying with us.

==================

As you can see, I have nothing better to do. Sad, eh?

FLY DELTA JETS and sail UNITED STATES LINES



N 8 6 3 D A

/**************************************************/

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard United Airlines flight _____ with service to_____.

In just a moment, we willbe presenting to you a very short safety demonstarion highlighting the safety information on this 757. We realize that many of you fly frequently, so to reinforce what you already know, and to enable those around you to hear out procedures, we ask for your full attention.

Please direct your attention to one of the flight attendants in the cabin holding a safety information card. You will find this card in the seat pocket infront of you. Please take it out, and follow along as we cover the important information. For our passengers that are seated in an exit row, you may be required to assist the crew in the event of an emergency evacuation, if you are un-able or un-willing to assist the crew, please let us know so we can reseat you.

For takeoff your seatbelt must be fastened low and toght across your lap. Insert the metal fitting into the buckle, and pull tight by pulling on the loose strap. To release, lift up on the faceplate of the buckle. It is important that you keep your seatbelt fastened at all times when seated to protect your self from any un-expected turbulence.

On our 757, there are 6 exit doors. 3 on each side of the plane, each equiped with a slide that inflates automaticly. In additon to these exits, there are four overwing exits, two on each side of the plane. Each exit is clearly marked with a sign overhead. Take a momenet to locate teh exit nearest you. If an evacuation occures, exit path lighting will illuminate to guid eyou to an exit.

In the event of a water landing, your seat coushin may be used as a floation device. To use it, pull it up, and slip your arms through the staps, hugging the coushin to your chest, as shown on the safety information card.

In the event of a loss in cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from overhead. To start the flow of oxygen, reach up and pull the mask twards you. Place the cup of the mask over your nose and mouth, slipping the elastic band over your head. Tighting the straps if necessary.The bag does not need to inflate; oxygen is still flowing to the mask. A uniformed crew mwmber will tell you when the masks are no longer needed. It is important that you secure your mask before assisting others.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening. At this time flight attendants will be comming through the cabin making their final safety checks before we take off. At this time, please be sure that your seat back is returned to its upwrite position, and that your tray table is stowed. Please check to see if your seatbelt is securly fastened. As a reminder, all carry on items muxt now be under the seat infront of you, or in an overhead compartment.

Ladies and Gentlemen, United Airlines is a non-smoking airline. Please rember that federal law prohibites the tampering with, disabling of, or destroying lavitory smoke detectors. Passengers muxt comply with all lighted signs, placerts, and crew member instructions.

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening.

Now the video for a 757

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome aboard. Here at United we take special procautions to insure your safety, and we would like to review that information with you. So please pause all converstations.

-----------

By now your carry on items should be stowed in an overhead compartment, or under the seat infornt of you, keeping all asiles and exits clear.

---------
Your seat belt should now be fastened. Insert the metal fitting in to the buckle, and pull tight. To release, lift the face plate of the buckle.

----------
If we were to loose cabin pressure, an oxygen mask will drop from above. Reach up, and pull the mask twards you. Place the mask on your face, and bbring the strap over your head. Tighten the fit if necessary.

The bag has no need to inflate. Oxygen is still flowing to your mask. A crew member will inform you when the masks are no longer permitted.

Please secure your mask before assisting any one, who may need your assiastance.

--------------

There are 6 exit doors on this 757, 3 on each side. To operate thse doors, turn the handle in the direction of the arrow, and swing the door outwards. An evacuation slide will automaticly inflate.

Jump on the slide, with your arms crossed, after clearing the bottom of teh slide, step away from the aircraft/

There are four over wing exits, 2 on each side. Pull the handle upwards to operate.

Before operating any exit, check for fire, smoke, and debris or ubstructions.

Every exit is marked with exit signs overhead. If there was a loss of electrical power, emergency lighting will illuminate to guide you to an exit.

--------------

For your safety we ask that you review the safety information card.

If we were to make a water landing, your seat coushinserves as an approved flotation device. To use, remove it from the seat, slip the arms through the straps, and hug the coushin to your chest.

--------------

As a reminder, United is a non-smoking airline. Tampering with, disabling,or destroying lavitory smoke detectors is prohibited.

We ask for your complete complience with all lighted signs, placerts and crew member instructions.

From all of us here at United, please sit back, relax and enjoy your flight.

____________
(the purser continues with this announcement)

Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for listening. At this time flight attendants will be comming through the cabin making their final safety checks before we take off. At this time, please be sure that your seat back is returned to its upwrite position, and that your tray table is stowed. Please check to see if your seatbelt is securly fastened. As a reminder, all carry on items must now be under the seat infront of you, or in an overhead compartment.

/***********************************************************/

"Once again, ladies and gentlemen, good morning....welcome aboard AirTran Airways flight 1506 now departing for New York's LaGuardia airport.

Your Atlanta based flight crew this morning includes Captain John Doe in command of our aircraft. Assisting Captain Doe on the flight, First Officer Jane Doe.

On board the aircraft primarily for your safety, also here for your comfort are Mary, Dawn, and Sarah in the main cabin, and myself Travis in Business Class.

As always, your safety is our priority at AirTran...with that in mind, please remove the safety information card, giving your attention to the flight attendants throughtout the cabin as we familiarize with the safety features of our Boeing 717.

Seatbelts must be fastened at this time, and should be worn low and tight across the waist. To fasten, place the flat metal end into the buckle, to adjust, pull on the loose strap, to release lift up on the buckle. Seatbelts must always be fastened any time seat belts signs are illuminated, or any time while seated once airborne.

The primary exits aboard this aircraft include three door exits, two in the forward part of the cabin, a tail cone exit at the rear of the aircraft. All door exits are equipped with an evacuation slide. Additionally there are four window exits, two located over each wing. All exits are clearly marked to assist you in locating them. Take a moment to verify your nearest exit, keeping in mind, it may be behind you.

The 717 is equipped with emergency escape lighting. In the event of an evacuation, follow the white lighting at the base of each seat along the right side of the aisle until it turns red. Red lights indicate you have reached or are near an exit.

Our cabin is currently being pressurized for your comfort. Although a change in cabin pressure is not anticipated, if oxygen were needed, an oxygen panel would drop from a compartment above your seat. To start the flow of oxygen, simply reach up, pull down on the mask until the tubing is fully extended. Place the mask over your nose and mouth and breathe normally. The oxygen bag may not appear to inflate, however oxygen is flowing. For those traveling with small children or passengers needing assistance, adjust your own mask first, then assist that passenger. Continue to use oxygen until otherwise specified by a uniformed crew member.

As detailed on the reverse of the safety information card, in the unlikely event of an overwater landing, the seat cushions aboard this aircraft have been designed as floatation devices. Cushions are easily removed by pulling up and forward.

There is no smoking permitted aboard AirTran aircraft at anytime including our lavatory facilites. Also, federal law prohibits tampering with, disabling, or destroying the smoke detectors located in an aircraft lavatory.

Your compliance with all crewmember instructions, placards, lighted seatebelt and no smoking signs is required by federal law, as well as greatly appreciated by your cabin crew.

As we prepare the cabin for departure, take a moment ensuring your own seatbelt is securely fastened, seatbacks and tray tables are in the full upright and locked postion, and of course by this time, all carry on items must be under the seat in front of you or in an overhead compartment leaving the aisle, and area around your feet, completely clear.

Flying time enroute to New York this morning, one hour and 38 minutes. Once again, welcome aboard."

/**************************************************************/

Ladies and Gentlemen, the cabin crew is responsible for your well-being. If you have any concerns, please do not hesitate to let one of us know. We would appreciate your attention as we review the safety features of this Airbus 340 aircraft.

Seat belt and no-smoking signs are located throughout the aircraft. Please obey them at all times.

It is essential to wear your seat belt at all times while seated. Should you be away from your seat when the seat belt sign lights up, an announcement prompting you to return to your seat and fasten your seat belt will be made. Let's now review the operatioin of the seat belt: *To fasten the seat belt, insert the metal clip into the buckle. *To tighten it around your hips, pull on the strap. *To release teh seat belt, lift the upper portion of the buckle.

If there is a need to evacuate, a floor proximity lighting system or a seat mounted lighting system will guide you to the nearest emergency exit.

Exits are located as follows: There are 4 doors on each side of the aircraft.

The illustrated card in the seat pocket in front of you explains the safety features of this aircraft. It should be reviewed prior to take-off.

In the unlikely event of an emergency landing on water, remove the lifevest from the pouch under the seat or below your armrest. Place the vest over your head, fasten the waist-clip(s), and tighten. The vest should be inflated only as you leave the aircraft by pulling on the two red tabs. If it does not inflate immediately, it can be inflated by blowing into the tubes.

Thank you for choosing Air Canada. We hope you enjoy the flight...

/****************************************************************/

Ladies and Gentlemen, we will now demonstrate the use of the safety equipment on this aircraft. Please give your attention to the crew member at the front of your cabin.

First fasten your seat-belt like this and tighten it. To release it, lift this catch.

Now, the use of your life vest. Your life-vest is under your seat or under the armrest between the seats. Slip the life-vest over your head and bring the waist strap around your waist. Connect the clip and tighten it by pulling it outwards.

You should inflate your life-vest only at the exit door. To inflate your life-vest, pull the red tabs firmly downwards. To inflate it further, blow into these mouthpieces. There is a whistle and a light for attracting attention.

Special life-vests are available for children under the age of four.

In case of decompression, oxygen masks will automatically drop from the compartments above. (Pull a mask down sharply to activate the flow of oxygen.)
*( ) omit on B747-400

Place the mask over your nose and mouth. Pull the elastic strap over your head, and tighten it by pulling the end of the strap. Remain calm, and breathe normally. Your oxygen supply is now regulated, and it is normal that the oxygen bag does not fully inflate.

If you're travelling with a child, attend to yourself first, then to the child.

Please note where the emergency exits on this aircraft are located.

During evacuation, do not carry your hand-luggage with you. If smoke is present, keep near to the floor and follow the lights to the nearest exit.

The Safety Information Card in your seat-pocket contains additional information. Please read it carefully before takeoff.

The use of portable electronic devices is not allowed during takeoff and landing. Transmitting devices such as mobile phones must be turned off, and their use is prohibited at all times on board the aircraft.

As this is a No-Smoking flight, please do not smoke throughout the flight. Please note that smoking in the toilets sets off the smoke alarm.

Thank you for your attention.

Humorous Inflight Announcements

Legend: Flight crew makes humorous in-flight announcements to airline passengers.

Example: [Collected via e-mail, 2003]

I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So, once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it.

(Before Takeoff....)

Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening.

We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is . . . The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea.

Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise.

If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first.

If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing — not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello!

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.

There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is . . . Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'.

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you?

(After landing...)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the captain's fault. It's not the co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt.

Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens.

Origins: Some

of us older folks can remember when everything about airline travel (except the stewardesses, perhaps) was staid and proper: pilots were respected authority figures, passengers listened to safety instructions quietly and attentively, and the most frivolity one heard from the flight crew was a co-pilot's announcement about some interesting geographical feature viewable from the left-hand side of the cabin. Most commercial carriers have since long since recognized, however, that injecting some humor into the flight routine not only helps to smooth things over for restive passengers (and the flight attendants who have to deal with them), but also provides a gentle means of getting people to listen to the boring and repetitive safety instructions they too often tune out otherwise.

Several of the passages in the above-quoted message are items that have been circulating on the Internet for several years in collections of humorous in-flight announcements:
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!"

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, please make sure to sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking, and I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck, everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silence, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at USAirways."
We can't say definitively that the item quoted at the head of this article is an accurate transcription of an Alaska Air attendant's pre-flight routine (it might be a compendium of quotes assembled from a variety of airlines, for example), but it's fairly representative of the lighthearted patter a passenger might hear on some airlines these days.

Last updated: 17 December 2005
Source: http://www.snopes.com/travel/airline/announce.asp